Hats

*
*

"Who stole my hat! Somebody stole my hat!"

"What're you yappin' about, Clyde?"

"Somebody stole my hat. I had it hangin' over the back a' this here chair, an' somebody up an' stole it."

"Nobody done stole your ol' hat, Clyde. You just forgot to brung it is all."

"No I didn't! You know I don't go nowheres without my hat. Somebody done stole it, I tell you."

"They done no such a thing. Nobody here would steal another man's headwear. You jus' forgot where you put it is all."

"Who'd steal that ol' rag a your'n nowhow? I wouldn't touch it with baling hooks."

"No tellin' what it's got crawlin' 'round in it."

"Chiggers, no doubt."

"An' termites for dang sure."

"Ter-mites?"

"Shore, for that wooden head a his'n"

"Termites. That's a good'un."

"You fellas can yuk it up all you wants. Fact remains, some one a' you done ran off with my hat. Leastwise hid it."

"Watch you're accusin', Clyde. Hard words like those is hard ta' swoller when you got to eat 'em."

"An' you best begin chewin' now, Clyde, 'cause there's your hat right there."

"Where? I don't see no hat a' mine."

"'S'no wonder. You're standin' on it."

"Oh, yeah, so 'tis. Heehee."

"What was those words agiain, Clyde? We done what with what?"

"Aw, fellas, you know I was just clownin' around. That was tantrum talk is all. I didn't mean nothin' by it."

"Well, what got your dander up like that over an ol' hat, nohow, Clyde?"

"Yeah, Clyde, I was thinking the same thing. It seems to me that you were uncommonly hot over a hat. That didn't seem like you."

"That's a fact, Andy. It weren't like me, usual. But this hat thing done give me a flash back to my Army days. Dang thieves!"

"That's one mighty long flash to go back to. You fought hats then, did you?"

"Not far from it. It were a small thing, but to my way a thinkin', it riled me pretty bad. Them hat thieves, they is nothin' worse, I say."

"What did?"

"Stealin' hats. Fellas did it all'a time. One guy would steal someone else's hat when he left the mess hall, then that guy without a hat would steal someone else's to make up for his being gone."

"So, somebody stole your hat, did they?"

"All 'a time. Made me mad. Nothin' lower than a hat thief, I say."

"What'd you do?" go hatless?"

"'Course not. Couldn't do that! You fellas, most a' you, leastwise was in the war. When a soldier fella is outside he got to be covered, or pay the consequences."

"So you...?"

"I took another hat that was hanging there."

"You mean that you sold someone else's hat."

"No. It wasn't like that, Andy. I didn't steal nothin'. The guy that stole my hat was stealin'. Not me. I was just taking a hat so's I could go outside."

"He's right, there Andy. Ever' body done it. It was kinds' like a rule, sorta'."

"It was the rule to steal. Is that what you guys are telling me?"

"You're making it sound different than what it was, Andy. It was just a rule, unwritten kind. You know."

"Yeah, Andy. You were in the Army. Didn't such a thing happen where you was?"

"Sure, all the time."

"So, what'd you do, Mr. Goody Two Shoes, go hatless?"

"I went hatless."

"Aw, com'on now. You weren't that igner'nt."

"Bet you was in trouble a'plenty, Andy."

"I was, a bit, yes."

"Why would you go an' do a thing like that, Andy? Somebody stole your hat, it's only right that you take another hangin' there."

"Shore it is, ain't it."

"So all of you think Clyde is right. If somebody takes your hat, it's ok to take somebody else's hat?"

"That's about it. I'd say so."

"So if someone came in the store here and took Hank's hat, it would be ok for Hank to take Clyde's hat. Is that right?"

"Hold on, now, Andy. That's a different picture you're paintin' now. We ain't in the military now. No rule about going hatless outside now."

"That's right, Andy. 'Sides, I wouldn't want Clyde's ol' hat, nohow."

"If somebody broke into my house and stole my radio, I could break into Tom's place and take his?"

"You got it all wrong, Andy. Where does you get such odd ideas as you do, I can't imagine."

"That's right, Andy. What you're talkin' now they's laws again'. No law 'bout hats in the Army."

"I guess I heard you wrong, Clyde, I thought you were mad at those 'thieves' that took your hat. Yet, as I understand it, when you took someone else's hat, you weren't a thief, and no one should be mad at you. What am I missing?"

"You got it about right. Difference is the accusin' part when you say I was stealin' when I weren't."

"And that's what all of you say then. You all agree with Clyde?"

"That's about it, Andy."

"He got you this time."

"No two ways about it. You're bettin' on a dead horse Andy."

"You stepped in it this time, Andy."

"On the other side a' the hill, you are."

"Well, I guess I'm outnumbered. I give up."

"Good for you, Andy. Takes a big man to know when he's licked."

"An the timings right too, boys. I gotta' dash on home else the wife'll skin me alive."

"Yep, about milkin' time an' ol' Bossie's mighty tempermental."

[scene change; outside the store]

"Andy's been caught a way off base on this one here."

"Right you are. Sharp as a needle, that fella is most times. But when it comes to human natures, he don't know nothin'."

"You reads him rightly. Always wrong, sometimes, when it comes to human natures."

"Like he's never lived a full an' complete life like you an' me has."

"How right, you is."

(end)

*

The Plow

*
*

"Let me see if I hear'd you correct, Reggie, you tells me you want me to borrow you my plow for a week, and for which you'll give me a tenth o' your crop."

"That's right as rain, Elmer. I give you my word on it."

"Will you two take your jabberin' somewhere else? Can't you see that Mike and Andy are goin' hot 'n heavy over this here checkers game?"

"That's ok, Bill. I've got Mike over a barrel anyway. Besides, I'm kind of interested in what these two have got going."

"You've got me over a barrel? Big talk, fella. King me."

"Well, like I was tellin', Reggie, I ain't so sure I want to borrow out my plow. I got my own crop comin' up here-on soon, and I'll be needing that plow right badly my own self."

"Here, give me a light off that pipe of yours, Elmer. Thanks."

"Besides which, how will I know that you has actually given me ten percent? You might short me and how would I of ever knowed it?"

"You trust me, don't you?"

"Well maybe I do an' maybe I don't. I don't got much reason to tilt either way on account of I ain't had no dealings with you."

"My word is my bond. And if you want, you can even come with me when I sell my crop and judge for yourself."

"Sounds fair enough. But what if my plow breaks down while doin' your work? I don't even know if you can drive one of my ilk."

"If it breaks, I'll fix it."

"How can I knowed that?"

"I'll give you my hand on it. And like I said, 'my word is my bond'."

"Did you tell Elmer about your deal with McClannahan over his breading boar?

"You keep out of this, Bill. This is between Elmer and me. It's got nothing to do with you or McClannahan."

"Hold on, Reggie, what about this here boar?"

"The way I heard it, last summer I think it was, Reggie here told McClannahan that he'd give him half his brood if he would breed his sow. But when...."

"You're blowing hot air, Bill. Besides, I can't be held accountable if McClannahan's half of my brood died at birth, can I? Besides, he got one out of the deal."

"Yeah, he got one alright. The runt. And it died inside of two weeks."

"That's hardly my concern what happens to McClannahan's pig after it leaves my hand."

"Tell Elmer about your deal with God, Reggie."

"You keep out of this, Mike. Stick to your checkers."

"You made a deal with God? What kind a' deal?"

"It was nothing, Elmer. Nothing at all."

"You call making a promise to God 'nothing at all'?"

"You keep out of this too, Andy."

"What kind a' promise?"

"It was nothing, Elmer, they're just blowing hot air."

"If'n you wants my plow, you'd best make clear this deal you got goin' with God, Reggie."

"It was a small thing, the kind of thing that happens with every G.I in a foxhole that's being shelled."

"Rightly so. Things get said to God there, I'll grant."

"I'm glad you understand, Elmer. We're two-of-a-kind, you and I."

"I'll judge that after you tells me about this here deal with God."

"Well, you know how it is. The shells were coming at us from all sides, and I told God that if He got me out of this hellhole alive, I would quit smoking and drinking."

"But you smokes like a chimney an' guzzles beer like you owned a brewery."

"What happened to....'My Word Is My Bond'."

"You guys are all against me. You have all done the same thing, or would have had you been in that foxhole."

"Maybe so, maybe not. But we're not looking to borrow Elmer's plow."

(end)

*

Good Boy

*
*

"Come on in, Sonny. Come on over here by your ol' Gran'pa."

"Don't be afear'd a' your gran'pa, chil'. He ain't gonna' bite ya none. Don't think so, nohow."

"T'wouldn't much count fer nothin' if'n he did. The ol' coot ain't got narry a tooth in his mouth."

"I don't know 'bout that. Ever see'd that ol' man chaw up a ear a' corn with those gums a' his?"

"Will you clowns pipe down? Me an the boy here is got some serious palaverin' to do."

"Sorry, mate, just funnin'"

"Don't pay them no mind, Sonny. They talks without forethought. You just come over here by my knee, and make yourself at ease."

"It's ok, Grandpa. I know they're just teasing me. Momma said you wanted to talk to me. Did I do something wrong?"

"Course not. Leastwise nothing that I heard of. Fact is, my boy, your mother tells me that you done been an extra fine boy. She said she done heard some mighty fine talk concerning her wee one."

"She did? I mean, that's good. Um. Isn't it?"

"Surely. She done said so. Why do you ask?"

"Well, when Momma said I should come and see you, she had that look on her face she always has when I've done something wrong. Do you know what I mean? Kind of a worried look, like she wants to yell at me, but she doesn't know what to yell."

"I know the look, Sonny. I suppose all mommas gets that look one time or another. But, so far as I know, that ain't the cause of her look on this occasion."

"That's good. Then why did she want me to talk to you, Grandpa?"

"Well, Sonny. It ain' that your Momma's tiffed at you, but she do have a concern or two. Nothing naughty, just puzzling'."

"I don't understand, Grandpa. She's not mad at me, but she's.... upset because of me?

"You nailed her down pretty good, I'd say. You got to understand, boy, your momma's a woman, and they can be tolerable hard to understand at times."

"Don't go tellin' the chil' such as that. You'll have him scared off womens before he's old enough to know they is a difference betwixt him an' them."

"I ain't told him nothing' he ain't suspected on his own account."

"That's ok, Grandpa. I know the difference between boys and girls."

"See? What'd I tell.... Hold on now! How'd you....? Oh, consarn it. I suppose that's another kettle o' fish to boil some other time. Besides, the fish we're a fryin' right now is beginning' to spoil on it's own accord from lack of proper tending to."

"I haven't done nothing wrong, Grandpa. It's just that in school...."

"Enough. I'll hear it on another confab. For the now, we needs to jaw about Mrs. Flavorhorn and you."

"Mrs. Flavorhorn? My piano teacher? What did I do wrong to her? I thought she liked me. At least, she's always nice to me."

"That be part of your momma's concern, my boy. The way the two of you gets along so well, I mean."

"Now I'm being bad, because I'm being good? Because someone likes me? You know, Grandpa? This growing up thing sure is hard. I never know what I'm supposed to do."

"'At's, true, shore 'nough. The lad's put a capper on the problem just as easy as you please."

"That's rightfully so, Sonny Boy. An' don't think it gets no easier when you grows up and lives with a wor'man who is your wife. They is even worst!"

"Don't go scarin' the boy none. Dealing with one wor'man at a time is challenge enough for any youngster."

"Hush up, you two. I has something' to say to the boy. Being friendly with folks is not your momma's worries, Sonny. What's got her feathers ruffled is how you does pleasantries for her, Mrs. Flavorhorn, I'm referring."

"My momma doesn't want me to do nice things for Mrs. Flavorhorn? She never told me that before."

"No, no. You see, my boy, your momma wonders why you do all those kindly things for other folks, and at home she always got's to chase you down to get you to do a proper task for her. That's the nutshell of it."

"What young'un is gonna' do such a thing as you is tellin' him to do. No chil' I ever hear'd of done such a thing."

"Ain't natural. That's what it ain't."

"Course not. Folks would wonder what the boy was up to."

"Ain't human natural is what it ain't."

"You willow-heads shut you're mouth. The boy has got something to say. Ain't you Son?

"........................Well, ah....."

"It's alright, my boy. I'm mighty curious as to the cause of it my own self. Ain't nothing' wrong with being' kindly. Just surprising is all."

"Well, I guess it's because Momma is always mad at me. I mean, even when I try real hard to do what she says, she still yells at me. And sometimes she even says that I'm a 'bad boy', even when I try real hard to be good."

"That's the way of 'er, ok. Natural as rain."

"All womens is like that, chil'. Don't mean nothin by it, she don't."

"They're right, Sonny. Your momma's got lots a things on her mind. Don't pay her unkind words no heed."

"Mrs. Flavorhorn isn't like that. Whenever I do something for her, she tells me that I'm a good boy all the time. Even when I spill things or break something when I try to help. She doesn't get mad at me. It's fun to do things for her. It makes me feel good all over."

"I know what you mean, Sonny. We're all that way, ain't that so, fellas?"

"Shore 'nough."

"Feels good ta' feel good, alright."

"Easy ta' help folks what is appreciative, ok."

"Right-o. I shuns from folks what bad-mouth my kindly efforts."

"The lads head-on with this one, you betcha'"

"You got your mamma wrong, son. I know she dumps a load a gravel on you on occasion. All women do. It's a way of them. But your momma takes real kindly to all you do. She always says so. Ain't that so, fellas?"

"Shore 'nough. Al'as talking goodly things 'bout her wee one."

"Rightly so. Never see'd her where what she got special things ta' say 'bout that special kid a hers."

"Your mudda's proud as a brood hen a her darlin' chil'. No two ways about it."

"Really? She really says good things about me to people? How come she never says them to me?"

"Probable feels like maybe she might could spoil you with overly much flattery. Who knows? All I know is that is the way of mothers, and there's no accountin' for it."

"You treats your momma nice now, hear? Like your gran'pa say to do. She 'ppreciates what you does, 'spite a what she say."

"What've you been thinking, Sonny? Feel better about your momma now?"

"Yes Sir. I feel good now. From now on I'm going to do everything she says, and not take much to heart when she bawls me out."

"Sounds like a good plan, boy. When you gonna' start?"

"Right now! I'm going to run home and do something nice right now."

"You go on with yourself and do just that."

"Thanks, Grandpa. You're the tops! Bye!"

"Ain't that sweet? Gran'pa gots a kiss from the wee one."

"Cutest thing I ever sawed."

"Cut it out, fellas. Just being appreciative is all."

"You done good work with the lad, gran'pa."

"Fine job. But it weren't true, were it?"

"What weren't true?"

"'Bout his momma being 'ppreciative when she ain't"

"Course it's true. Wouldn't a' said it if it weren't."

"How long ya' think the boy will keep it up?"

"Keep what up?"

"Doin' good turns for his momma when she gets her back up on 'im."

"I don' know. Week, maybe two."

"He's a good lad. I gives him four or five."

"I says more. On account a' I thinks she is gonna' start speakin' rightly to the laddie. You wait an' see."

"May be so. But how long you give a'fore she falls back to callin' the kid no-account?"

"Got me."

"Hopefully never."

(end)

*

Appearances

*
*

"You're vain, vain, vain, Reggie. You're just plain vain."

"I'm not vain. What would give you such an idea?"

"If you isn't vain, Regg, I don't know what is."

"They're right, Regg, ol' boy. You are an egotistical Son-of-a-Gun."

"Oh, you think so, do you? Well, you just tell me one thing about me that you would call vain."

"Well, fer one thing, that there yeller' vest you always got on. Come to think, don't it ever get dirty?"

"Yeah, Reggie. That and those cufflinks a' yours. Cufflinks, an' it ain't even a Sunday go-to-meetin' day."

"What's the matter with my vest and cufflinks? So I like to dress fashionable. Not like you bunch of hick slobs."

"Callin' us names ain't gonna' help your case none. 'Sides, most a' us is farmers an' we works with the dirt. Can't go dressin' city-fied like you do."

"Well, Andy doesn't dress funky like you guys. Neither does Mike. Kind of wrecks your excuse, doesn't it."

"They ai'nt farmers. Leastways not any more."

"Tha's right. An Andy is a city fella too, and he don't dress up like no dandy."

"Everyone to their own thing, I always say."

"You al'as say that Reggie? I never hear'd you say that a'fore. I hear'd BiIl say it a time or two, but not you."

"Well I have, you just weren't here. Besides, if my vest and cufflinks are all you have to prove ..."
"That ain't all a'tall. It's you're eyes, an' you're mouth, an...."

"That's right. And the way you always got your hair slicked down."

"An' how you always stand kind a' to one side, like you don't want nobody to see the other part a your face. Kinda' lopsided, sorta.' Do you guys know what I mean?"

"That's right, you do sort of look at people off-center."

"Why is that, Regg? Something you're hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything. It's just that my nose is a little bent to one side and it looks shorter from one side than the other. No big deal."

"See? I tol' ya' so. Didn't I tol' ya'?"

"Turn the other way, Regg, so we can see."

"That's not necessary."

"Oh, go on, Regg."

"I don't want to, I say."

"He don't have ta' if he don't wanna'. But what about your mouth? It always looks stretched, like you was chewin' on somethin', but you ain't chewin'."

"Yeah, like you was poppin' your ears, sorta'."

"You're self-conchified of your short chin, ain't that a fact, Reggie?"

"Well, what about's that look a your'n, like you is always lookin' down your nose at ever'body? Why you do that?"

"Yeah, an' why is it that..?"

"Hold it! What is this? Pick on Reginald day? So I'm a little vain. So I confess it."

"You asked, Reggie. We is only obligin'"

"A little vain, he says."

"Well, it isn't a problem, anyway. Besides, look at you. None of you are exempt from being a little vain."

"What vain? I ain't vain."

"Me neither."

"Nor I, neither."

"You think not, do you? Well, how about you, Bill?"

"What about me? I didn't do anything. Not vain wise, anyway."

"That baseball hat you always have on. It covers up your bald head. That's why you wear it all the time."

"Who's bald? I'm not bald. What makes you think I'm bald?"

"Ok, then, take off your hat and show us."

"Ok, ok, guys. Stop grabbing my hat. So I've lost a couple hairs. Big deal. But I'm not bald."

"And you, Angus, with your sleeves always rolled up showing off your muscles and tattoos."

"So I like my sleeves up. So what? Wanna' make somethin' of it?"

"No, Angus, just making a point. And what about Andy here, with his flashy beard and strange hat."

"What's the matter with Andy's hat? Ever'body wears a hat. His is maybe a little fancier, maybe, an' cleaner. But tha's because he don't work in the sod like us others no more. Ain't that so, Andy?"

"An' so what about a beard. Most everybody here's got a beard. Nothin' uncommonly uncommon about that."

"Not one super trimmed like Andy's. Besides, Bill doesn't have a beard. Mike doesn't have a beard. So where does that leave your argument?"

"Bill's a city fella, like you. And Mike, here, he's a full-blood Indian is why he don't got no beard."

"You're Indian, Mike? I didn't know that. Which one?"

"Lummi."

"Lummi's were the first ones here, Ain't that so Mike?"

"Ok, ok, so Mike is Indian. I get it. And everybody's got a beard."

"So, what's wrong with Andy's beard, Reggie. Nothing different to speak of 'xept maybe being redder then most."

"Tha's right. When Andy was a youn'un, it looked like his hea'yd was on fire."

"Skinny thing too, he was."

"Tall drink a' water."

"Looked like a lit match walkin' up the street."

"A match! Tha's a good 'un Tom."

"I don't think there's anything wrong with being a little vain. In fact it could be good for you. And the opposite is surely a problem."

"What are you saying, Andy? I don't follow."

"Yeah. An' leave off with the college-boy words."

"Well, to put it simply, if you feel good about yourself, You will take care of yourself. And if you don't feel good about yourself, you won't take care of yourself."

"That was simple. I kind 'a got that one."

"Yeah. You means if I don' like myself I'll go to seed like ol' Hank here."

"Hey! You ain't so all-fired hot stuff yourself, fella."

"I didn't mean nothin' by it. Just funnin' is all."

"Well, fun-up about yourself, an' leave me out of it."

"You said some'thin' about a problem, Andy. What kind a' problem?"

"Well, if a person feels too good about himself, to the exclusion of other people, he is likely to isolate himself ........."

"You're not talking about me, are you, Andy? Playing get-back. I've got plenty of self-esteem, and it's not vanity."

"He's talkin' 'bout me, I know he is."

"No, it's me he's refer'ending to, 'cause I got plenty a' that 'steam stuff."

"I'm not naming anyone in particular. I'm just telling you what I think. Now, on the other hand, a person who doesn't think he's as good as everybody else is likely to...."

"Like ol' Hank here, you mean."

"Cut that out. I tol' you....!"

"No offence, Hank."

"Ok then."

"Go ahead, Andy. Don't mind those two."

"People with low esteem are likely to do things just to please others. Like getting into gangs, shoplifting, nose rings, dressing in a strange manner...."

"That's kid stuff you're talkin', Andy. None a' us here does that kind a' stuff."

"Tha's right, Andy. Talk growed-up stuff so we can foll'y you plainly."

"Alright, how about this? Joining a church because someone else does, or a lodge...."

"I told you that church stuff was no good. Just like Andy said."

"That's not what I said at all."

"But you said...."

"Go ahead, Andy, I foll'y you."

"Here's one for you. Spending money on someone to make them like you. Or dressing a certain way, acting in a certain manner that's contrary to the way you are, pretending to be a big-shot and going in debt to impress others."

"Sounds like courtin' to me."

"It shore do. A feller goes through all that to win a gal, then when he's hitched with her, an' the wrappin' comes off, he learns for his self that he catched the booby prize."

"That's my Rosa, you betcha'."

"And, when you don't feel adequate, you will say things you don't believe so people will like you, or agree with someone so they won't be mad at you."

"Hold on there, Andy. Somebody done led you up a false trail there. They's no goin'g through life without fibbin' here and there."

"Tha's right. Just you try not sayin' what the wifey wants an' you'll be tossed out on y'r ear for sure."

"Or you're Mother-in law. They's even worst."

"I thought you was married yourself, Andy. You shoulda' knowed all this."

"So, what 're you sayin', Andy? Got somethin' up your sleeve? Some alterna'tuitive?"

"Just tell the truth. That's all I'm saying. Be honest."

"Oh, ho ho no! I likes livin' too much."

"My wife would kill me dead, sure."

"I thunk you had somethin' goin' this time, Andy. But you done falled off the horse again."

"Can you 'magine tellin' the truth on a horse swap? Pouring money down the gutter is what it is."

"You'd best re-evalu'tate your thinkin', Andy. Them books done give you a wrong steer, believes you me."

"So, I blew it again, Did I?"

"That's right, Andy. Rethink your thoughts. That's what I'm thinkin'."

"Speaking of thinkin'. I'm a thinkin' it's time I moseyed home 'for that wife a' mine sics the dog on me."

"I'm with you."

"Hold up, fellas. I'm coming too."

"Well, Mike. Why is it that you never put in your two cents worth? You always just leave me hanging out to dry."

"What would be the use?"

"You got me there."
*

Doors & Walls

*
*
*

"Anyone here got any ideas about dreams? I mean the kind that comes every night, almost."

"Sure, Burl, I get dreams like that all the time. Especially when I'm hungry."

"I don't mean dreams about food, Fergie."

"Oh."

"Yeah, si. I know what you means. I gets them most every night for sure. Womans, lots of womans. Grande, B'eeg womans. Womans w'eeth long hairs, and womans w'eeth short hairs, and...."

"No, Carlos, I don't mean dreams about women either. I mean other kind of dreams, dreams with walls and doors."

"You mean like buildin' a house?"

"Sure, Burl, you're a house builder. Only natural for a fella who builds houses to dream a' doors an' walls."

"It's not like I'm building anything in my dream, just kinda' like standing by them."

"Why don't you tell us about your dreams, Burl. Draw us a picture."

"I'll try, Andy. But it's all kind of vague and all. When I dream it, it all seems so clear. But when I wake up, it kind of vanishes."

"Dreams is like that, sure 'nough. I know when I dream...."

"We know all about your dreams, Larry, let's get back to Burl's."

"Well, they starts out with me being in this big, long room. Kind a like a hallway, like at the County Seat on the mainland. Only this hall is longer, and there's nothin' but doors on both sides."

"Is it dark in there? Or is it all lit up for ya'?"

"Yeah, it is dark, come to think on it. And foggy too. Not foggy like wet, mind you, but foggy like not so clear. Kind of hazy I guess you could say."

"Like the bog?"

"Yeah, like that, only not watery."

"Are the doors opened or closed?"

"Closed. All of them closed."

"Windows on them?"

"No windows. No nothin'. Just these big, tall oak doors."

"Door knobs on them?"

"You know, come to think on it, I never even payed any attention."

"What'cha doin' in that there room, Burl? Anything special? I mean like running or beaten on them doors and the like."

"No, not really."

"You must be doing something. Not just standing there with your hands in your pockets. Are you?"

"Yeah, Andy, I guess that's the way of it, mostly."

"It's somethin' you 'et before goin' to bed. I get the most god'awful dreams when I eats Limburger before I nods off."

"More likely you're comin' down with somethin'. Should oughta' go see the Doc before it gets worst."

"Naw, he's just having a nightmare. I gets them all the time. Give it a while, they'll go away."

"I heard of a guy that had dreams like that. He said it was like fortune tellin, sorta'. Called it pre-ammunition or some such...."

"Premonition."

"Yeah, that's what I said. Anyway, he said dreams like that come true somewhere's down the line."

"How could a dream like Burl's come true. There ain't no such place like he told of that I ever see'd."

"They's like pictures of somethin' else. Like a lion means somethin' scary's gonna' happen'."

"Yeah, or a lake means you're gonna' drown."

"What's a bunch a doors gonna' say? A door is a door, an that's all they is to it."

"It's probable just somethin' he 'et."

"How long have you been having these dreams, Burl?"

"Off and on, I'd say, maybe a year or two. Maybe longer. I don't remember them all the time, like I said."

"According to psychiatry, reoccurring dreams have a lot of significance."

"Who's he?"

"Who is whom?"

"This psycho guy you was talkin' about."

"That's psychology. It's the study of the mind and human behavior."

"So what? How's that s'posed to help ol' Burl here?"

"What are you afraid of, Burl? What are you hiding from?"

"I'm not afraid of nothin', Mike. I knew I shouldn't ought' have said anything about my dreams to you guys! I was afraid you'd do just what you're doing."

"I thought you said you ain't a'fear'd a nothin', Burl."

"I don't mean that kind of afraid, and you know it."

"Nothin' wrong with bein' scared, Burl. Worst scared I ever been is when they lobbed a hand grenade in my foxhole. I was plenty scared then, I'm here to tell ya'"

"It don't take no han'granade to scare a fella. My Mother-in-law scares me half to death."

"W'een the Doctors they taked out my appendixes, I was muy temeroso then, you betcha'"

"Well, that's you guys. Besides which, I haven't got nothin' to be afraid about."

"We're all afraid of something, Burl. It's just part of being human. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Well, I'm not, and that's that!"

"Doors mean a place to enter, I'm thinking. Like maybe you're supposed to go some place."

"Yes, like maybe you're going to be invited to a big banquet and all those doors means lots of food."

"You and your food, Fergie. Can't you think of nothin' else?"

"Just trying to help, is all."

"Doors don't mean no food. That I's sure of. Sounds more to me like you're s'posed to go somewhere special an' can't because all those doors is locked."

"Or maybe you forgot to remember something. Like maybe your wife tol' you to do something that you forgot."

"That sounds 'bout right, Burl. An' you say there's lots a doors. Maybe there's lots a places you're to go."

"I think the doors mean something else. That doors don't mean doors at all. They's symbols a something different. Maybe got somethin' to do with the war, or your Mother-in-law or the likes."

"It's not his Mother-in-law. He's only got one a those. I think, nohow. Lest he's hiding a wife or two we don't know nothin' about. But you might be on to something with that war idea. That's a scary sit'uation for sure."

"I doubt if it's the war. That's a long time past. And you're too old for any new wars. It's something now, or in the future. Maybe something you're hiding from...."

"I ain't hidin' from nothing, I told you. You're way off kilter when you talk like that, Mike."

"I used to have dreams kind of like that, come to remember. I'd forgotten all about them. It wasn't in a hallway, and there wasn't any doors as I recall. It was just a big box that I couldn't get out of. Oh, yeah, now I do recall doors. They came latter though. I think I was out of the box, but was surrounded by walls. Yeah, that's it. Funny how you forget those thing."

"Well, what happened, Andy? How'd you get yourself out of that box an' all? Do you recollect?

"Um, yeah, I think I do. It was back, oh, about forty years I'd say. I was out of college and Thelma was with me then. Thelma, that was my wife, rest her soul. Anyway, I had all these things to do, all these decisions I had to make. Things like what kind of career I was going into. Where to live, what kind of lifestyle to have. Lots of things like that. Most of them were trivial things, but they pile up on a young fella just out of college. Especially a farm boy in the big city. Thelma wanted to come back here to the Island, and I wanted to make a big name for myself."

"Who won? I mean, which did you do?"

"I won, but by doing so I lost big time."

"So, what about the doors? You was sayin' about the doors, Andy."

"The doors. Well I had all these decision, and all these fears of what...."

"There you go talking fears again. I told you I ain't afraid!"

"Well, I was. Very much so. I had all these thing I wanted to do, and things I should do, and was afraid to do any of them. They were all like locked doors to me."

"Why was you afraid, Andy? I mean, what was there to be scared of? Nothin' scary you told us of so far."

"There wasn't anything to be afraid of. But I was. I don't rememb.... Yes I do. I was afraid of making mistakes. Maybe I might make the wrong move, take on the wrong job and get stuck in it. Maybe I might tackle something that I couldn't finish, or would be too big for me. Maybe I would end up looking bad in Thelma's eyes. That would be especially bad after I took off in a direction that she didn't want to go in the first place. That I drug her into."

"You dragged your wife about, did you?"

"Not that kind of drag, stupid. Andy didn't mean like no cave man. Did you, Andy?"

"No. But I suppose in her eyes it wasn't far different. She wanted to come back here awfully bad."

"Why didn't you? Come back here, I mean."

"My ego, I suppose. My stupid ego. I guess when you're young, you can't see how ridicules it is to feed your ego. Then when your old, and appearances don't matter any more, you see how you've wasted your life decorating a bubble."

"Bubbles, smubbles! What about the doors, Andy?"

"Yeah, Andy, You was talking foolishness again. Makes no sense about egos an' bubbles an' such."

"What's a ego, anyway?"

"It's that college stuff Andy done picked up. Fries your brain."

"I tol' you we was smart for not goin' to school. Didn't I tol' you?"

"Lots of times you 'tol' us."

"The doors, Andy, the doors?"

"Did you ever get through the doors"

"Shore he did. He's here ain't he?"

"Yes, I got through the doors, or walls, I should say. Little by little, I got though them."

"How 'ja do it? Did 'ja kick 'em down?"

"Now I do. If there' something that I'm afraid of doing, I tackle it then and there. I try not to let a wall build between me and it. The longer I wait, the higher and denser that wall becomes...."

"You is ramblin' again, Andy, talkin' nonsense 'bout tacklin' walls and such."

"I see'd them do that on a picture show once. Football players, they was. Tackled walls."

"Was you playing football, Andy? Is that why you was tacklin' them there walls?"

"Not exactly, but close enough."

"So, how'd you do it, tackling them walls and such?"

"Well, I had to start with the little wall first. Then I gain the courage to tackle larger one. Eventually it got so that if I came to a wall, I would break it down right away. It's a very freeing experience. It's what I call, pushing back walls and expanding your horizons. I'm sure there's a psychological name for it, but I don't know it."

"There he goes talkin' about tackling walls gain."

"This chitchat is going nowheres but down. I reckon it's about time for me to grab my hat an' hit the road."

"I'm with you, Elmer."

"You done it again, Andy. Spoil't a perfec'ly good day with all your queer talk."

"Well, did you get anything out of this, Bruce? Did any of it help?"

"Not especially so, Andy. All that talk about walls and all. My dreams were about doors, not walls. But I thank ya' anyways for trying."

Thanks, No Thanks

*

*

Thanks, But No Thanks

"Tell the man 'Thank You', Bobby."

"I don't wanna', Mommy."

"You tell the man 'Thank you' right this minute whether you want to or not!"

"I don't wanna! I don't wanna' if I don't wanna'!"

"You say 'Thank you' or you're going to get what-for when we get home!"

"O Kay! Thank you! There, I said it. Stop yanking on my arm!"

"That's better. You just wait til your father gets home."

"I said it, Mommy. What else do you want?"



"That there is one child I always likes to see...see leave the store, that is."

"I agrees belly an' soul. He's a real charmer that one is."

"I think you means 'Heart an' Soul," not belly."

"Nope, I mean belly all right, 'cause that's where I gets upset when I see's the kid."

"Yep. The kid's a hand full, ok. But 'least his momma's got a short reign on him."

"How you mean?"

"Makin' the kid mind his manners. Got the kid to say 'thank ya' in spite a' his self."

"Fat lot a' good it does. Thanks like that is like spittin' on a forest fire."

"I'd say more like tossing kerosine on it, my own self. Makes a feller feel all the worse for havin' been thanked."

"Hollow words at best, they is. No doubt 'bout it."

"I don't know about that. It could do some good."

"What you saying, Reggie? More a' your city-fied ideas?"

"No. I just think that it's better for the boy if his mother teaches him good manners whether he means them or not. It may help him grow into a more polite and likable man."

"Nonsense and foolhardiness, I says. Make him into a more spit 'n polish con man is what it'll do."
"Shore 'nough. Teachin' the kid to lie through his teeth is all. Say words he don't mean one whit 'cause he knows that's what folks want's ta' hear."

"So you're telling me that you would rather that a man be crude rather than refined and polite?"

"Shore would. That way I can tell straight off if I wants to do business with him."

"That be so. Don't want that I finds out after hands has been shook that the man is no-account."

"Or that his words is just more guff an' malarkey. Rather I could tell that right off so I could steer clear a' the fella."

"My daughter done fall'd inta' a trap just like that one. Feller had us all buff'lloed, he did. Come to find out after it were too late that the feller was nothin' more than a fox in rabbit wool."

"You mean 'fox in wolf's clothin'."

"You is both wrong. You got's it turned full 'round."

"It don't matter none. You get my drift."

"My oldest boy done run into the same kind a' deal. He gone into partners with this here smooth-talkin' fella an got left holdin' an empty bag."

"Fact is, too many rotten to the core fellas out there what has learned fine words that is worth nothin."

"Besides which, what is a 'thank ya' nohow but a quick way to get out of a debt."

"I don't follow you. You will have to run that by me slowly."

"That's 'cause you is edjy-cated, Reggie."

"Right, 'cause it's as plain as the nose on ol' Tom's face."

"Leave my nose out of this. It ain't no bigger than no one else's no way."

"I don't know, Tom. I see'd you sniff out a 'coon quicker than my ol' hound dog."

"No-account thank ya's. Say I was ta' run you an' your ailing woman over to Ballentree right quick 'bout midnight. I uses my gasoline, loses a night's sleep, an' saves your wife. Now, what does I get fer it? A 'thank ya'. An' now you feels that you has paid me in full an' owes me nothin'."

"Or like me with my neighbor fella. I spended two full days buildin' his fence, an' got a half-soled 'thanks' fer it. An' come time fer my crop ta' come in, he found his self too busy to lend a hand."

"And how about Bossy."

"Tha's Right. Bossy, that's my heifer, she got herself through the fence into this feller's field, an' when I asked him to fetch her fer me, he raised a ruckus, and made me pay fer the straw she e't. Thank ya's is like water in a sieve, I say's."

"So, what would you suggest in place of 'thank you'? Would you just rather that a person say nothing? Show no sign of appreciation at all?"

"Thank ya's are fine, if they isn't an' end what ends all. No words ought ta' take the place of heart-felt gratitude."

"Like us'ns here abouts. If one of us has got a need what needs tendin', other folks digs right in and does all what he can to bail him out. No words is needed. We all knows he will do the same if'n we needs for anything."

"That's what we calls 'appreciation'. No words can take the place a' appreciation."

"Take that kid with his momma. She can't teach him appreciation. You either has it or you don't. An' if you don't, it don't do no good to teach him words like as if he has got it."

"Same like the other way 'round. If a feller has got it, he will show it, not with words, but by what he does."

"Now I say, if that kid was just forgetful of his manners, and just needed a bit of instruction or remindin', than that is a different kettle a' fish all together."

"Well, I can see your point. But I have to disagree with your final analysis. I think that all children need instruction, and they can learn proper manners."

"That's 'cause you is edjy-cated, Reggie. You don't know no better."

"Want ta' come help me with my fence, Reggie?"

Thoughtful Wife

*

THRIFT
"Thoughtful Wife"

*

"I got such a thoughtful wife. Don't come no more thoughtful than she, I reckon."

"What's that wife a' yours gone an' done now? I can see by lookin' that she ain't done no sewin' nor mendin'. Leastways, not on nothin' you is wearing, she ain't."

"It ain't her homey skills I'm a referin' right now. It's her buyin' abilities I'm a referin'."

"Buying abilities!? That wor'man a' yours shore got plenty a' that, shore 'nough. Ever' shop in this here town is only goin' strong on account a' her spendin' abilities."

"Causes us menfolks problems as well. Y'er wife's spendin' is got my wife a thinkin' she should oughta' be able to do the same."

"You nailed that one on the head, you did. My wife's f'erever asken' fer money. 'Give me a dollar," she says. "Give me five dollar," she says. Money, money. Al'as askin' fer money."

"That's a shame, shore enough. What she go an' spend all that money on?"

"Don't know. I never gived her none."

"That's sensible. Worm'ans just goes an' spends it on none sensical things like handbags an' hats. Not like us menfolks."

"I agrees."

"You agrees? On what does you agrees?"

"What you said, us menfolk spends our moneys smartly."

"Right you are. Things like rake handles an' plowshares."

"An' grub."

"And boots, gloves and such necessaries."

"An' beer an' whiskey, an' cigars."

"Well, I can't rightly say that....."

"An' hats."

"Hats!"

"Hats?"

"Shore, hats. Man's got ta' have hats about."

"Man don't need but one hat for his one head, I al'as say. One head, one hat, I al'as say."

"'Course, if a fella's got two heads....."

"What fella has got two heads? Don't be nonsensical."

"They's times a feller needs a peculiar hat what ain't sweat-soaked an' cow-stomped."

"Like when?"

"Like dress up, go-to-meetin' kind a' days. Man needs a good hat fer them kind a' days."

"No such a thing."

"'Course not. Where my hat ain't welcome, I'm not a goin'."

"Hats is woman's stuff. For some confounded reason, they appears to need a room full a' them."

"Speakin' a which, Archie, what is it your wife is gone an' done what's so noteworthy?"

"Tha's right. You said your wife done gone an' got thrifty-like. I hardly believes such is possible."

"Fairy tales, is what it is. No wor'mans can do such a thing."

"Say what you pleases. Mine is gone and done it none the same."

"Words is cheap. What's she gone an' done?"

"She gone and bought a hat and...."

"I know'd it. Shore enough. I know'd there'd be a hat in it."

"All womens buys hats. What's so peculiar in that, Archie?"

"She saved me some money, that's what's so peculiarly special about it."

"How can your wife spendin' money on nonsensical things save you money? I'd just like you to explanitory that, if you please."

"She bought herself a hat on sale, that's what she did. Half-off, she done told me. Saved me five dollar, sure as shootin'."

"That's pure tommyrot, Archie. Your wor'man's done pulled the smoke over your eyes."

"How many hat's your wife's got, Archie? Five, ten maybe?

"More, I'd reckon, like a dozen. Maybe two. Maybe three. Never counted 'em myself. Not too sure I could count that high if'n I wanted."

"See? My point exacital. Nonsensical and tommyrot, that's what it is."

"Hold on now, fellas. Maybe it t'aint all what it appears. Archie, how many heads your wife have on her shoulders?"

"Just the one I know of."

"Ok, that done settles it. It's what it appears alright."

"That's a good 'n. You shore done put the kibosh of that reckoning."

"You're wife's done got you snookered, Archie. Kind a' like when my wife does me a wrong, then twists it full around til it 'ppears that I is the misdeeder."

"Your wor'man does that too?"

"Mine too. Jus' part a bein' women folk, I'm supposin'."

Truth, Rare Commodity

*

TRUTH
"Rare commodity"
*

"I'm telling the truth. Honest."

"Watch your language, son. Words like that can come back an' bite ya'."

"What are you talking about? All I said was...."

"We knows what you said. But maybe you ought'a un said it."

"Why? What the matter with saying that I'm telling the truth? It's the truth."

"When you go talkin' the way you do, you makes like an oath, kinda'. An' if we'uns learn that what you say's ain't the God's honest truth, then your word won't be worth a plug nickel no more."

"That's right. Leastwise with us it won't."

"Want's to change your tune, young fella'?"

"Be wise a ya' to do it. Leastwise tone 'em down a smidgen."

"Strong words is hard to swallow back. Best to keep your words soft an' sweet so's they don't gag ya' none."

"I don't know what you guys are talking about. Doesn't any of you say that you're honest, or that you tell the truth?"

"Sure we do. Lots a times."

"Tha's right. An' it's mostly when we's set to tell a whopper. Ain't that so, Tom?"

"Why'd you go and ask me like that? You know I don't lie none."

"See? Right there's a fine example for you already. Tom say's he don't lie. Now that's a whopper."

"If it ain't the truth, it's a lie. An if it's got but a particle a lie in it, it ain't the truth. Do you foll'y me son?"

"I understand that you all think I'm lying, when I'm not. What makes you think I'm lying?"

"No one says you is lyin', son. We jus' don't necessar'y think what you is tellin' is the truth."

"What's the difference? A lie is a lie, and the truth is the truth."

"'Not so. Not always, nohow. I'll draw ya' a fer instance."

"You watch him close, son, 'cause he's a good drawer."

"I ain't goin' to draw that kind a pitchure, Abner. It's a word pitchure I's planning on drawin'."

"Oh. Well, you is good with them pitchers too."

"I thank ya', Abner. Here's the fer instance. Say I was to tell ya' that my wor'man was ta' home cookin' up supper this very minute...."

"His woman's a fine cooker too. If'n he's gettin' set to give you an invite, you best take it...."

"It's just a pitchure I'm drawing. Not no invite."

"Oh. Well go ahead on ahead."

"So, ok, I says she's home. And I know this 'cause ever' night about this time tha's 'xactly what she does."

"She does too, his woman. Ever' night this time."

"Ok. So I says to you, come on with me an' have victuals with the wife and me. She's done got it on the stove cookin' up fer us now."

"See? I done tol' ya' he was fixin' ta' give you an invite. You best take it, son. You won't be sorry'er fer it."

"This ain't no invite, I tol' ya. It's jus' a pit'cher."

"Oh. It's jus' a pitcher, son, like he done told ya'. Don't take it as no invite."

"Oh kay. So you an' me we gets to my place, an' my wor'man ain't there, an' there's nothin' on the table but our ol' cat...."

"That cat a' his is al'as on the table. Ain't he."

"Will you kindly shut up an' let me finish my pitchure?"

"Didn't mean no harm by it. I was jus' sayin'..."

"Ok, so they's no victuals, and they's no wor'man like I say'd they was. So, young fella', was I a' lying?"

"No. Of course not. You honestly believed that she would be there fixing supper. You didn't lie."

"Well then. Was it the truth what I tol' you?"

"Um, well a, I don't suppose you could exactly say it was the truth, exactly."

"Is 'at so? What then, 'xac'ly, would you say it was?"

**

Stories from the Checkerboard

Tumbleweed

THE TOMBSTONE

**

The Tombstone
*

"Are you sure it's ok for us to be walking around the graveyard like this? I mean, I feel a little funny stepping on dead people's graves and all."

"Sure it's ok. That's what the graves are out here for. See? All of them have writing on them for other people to read. You don't think they would have writing on their grave if they didn't want people to come and see it, do you?"

"I guess not. But why do you suppose they put all that writing on their tombstone? I mean, look at this one, it's almost like a book it's got so many words."

"That's nothing. Look at this one, it's got a big statue on top of it. And here's one with a building on it that looks kind of like a stone outhouse."

"That guy must have been real important and rich to get a building put on his grave. Why do you suppose a person would do such a thing? Seems like a waste of money to me."

"I guess they figure that as long as they're going anyway they might as well spend what money they have on something that will tell everyone how important they were."

"It looks like most of these graves only have a slab of stone on it telling their name and when they died. And look at this one here, it only tells when the person was born and not when he died."

"That's because he hasn't died yet. But look at this one. It tells all this guy's accomplishments, all the things he won, and all the things he could do."

"Looks kind of like a resume for a job in the next life. I guess he must have been pretty proud of all he did while he was alive."

"I guess so. But when I look at it, I can see all he did, so I know all he didn't do. And there's a lot he didn't do."

"Like what?"

"Well, all these thing are for his own ego boost and pleasures. I don't see anything here saying he was a good person or father and all."

"Here's one that says that this woman was a fine lady and a good mother."

"This one says, Died at the end of a rope as a horse thief. That must be a terrible way to go. He might have been a really nice person all his life, but all that will ever be remembered of him is that he died a horse thief."

"That makes me think. What would you like to have written on your tombstone when you die?"

"That's a good question. After all, it's the last thing anyone will ever know of you. Kind of like a period at the end of your life story."

"Or an exclamation point."

"Or a question mark."

"Yeah, a question mark. I guess that's what I would have on my tombstone, a question mark. I never could make much sense of life anyway. I might as well say so when I leave it. How about you, what would you put on your tombstone?"

"Well, I see all these here, telling good and bad things about different people, and it makes me think how so many people I know have so many different opinions about me. Some like me a lot, maybe even love me a little. I know that some hate me."

"I guess that's the same with most everybody, when you come right down to it. So, what would your tombstone say?'

"I don't think it would. I think I would just leave it blank except for my name, and hang a crayon from a string along side of it and let folks write in their own epitaph about me."