Thoughtful Wife

*

THRIFT
"Thoughtful Wife"

*

"I got such a thoughtful wife. Don't come no more thoughtful than she, I reckon."

"What's that wife a' yours gone an' done now? I can see by lookin' that she ain't done no sewin' nor mendin'. Leastways, not on nothin' you is wearing, she ain't."

"It ain't her homey skills I'm a referin' right now. It's her buyin' abilities I'm a referin'."

"Buying abilities!? That wor'man a' yours shore got plenty a' that, shore 'nough. Ever' shop in this here town is only goin' strong on account a' her spendin' abilities."

"Causes us menfolks problems as well. Y'er wife's spendin' is got my wife a thinkin' she should oughta' be able to do the same."

"You nailed that one on the head, you did. My wife's f'erever asken' fer money. 'Give me a dollar," she says. "Give me five dollar," she says. Money, money. Al'as askin' fer money."

"That's a shame, shore enough. What she go an' spend all that money on?"

"Don't know. I never gived her none."

"That's sensible. Worm'ans just goes an' spends it on none sensical things like handbags an' hats. Not like us menfolks."

"I agrees."

"You agrees? On what does you agrees?"

"What you said, us menfolk spends our moneys smartly."

"Right you are. Things like rake handles an' plowshares."

"An' grub."

"And boots, gloves and such necessaries."

"An' beer an' whiskey, an' cigars."

"Well, I can't rightly say that....."

"An' hats."

"Hats!"

"Hats?"

"Shore, hats. Man's got ta' have hats about."

"Man don't need but one hat for his one head, I al'as say. One head, one hat, I al'as say."

"'Course, if a fella's got two heads....."

"What fella has got two heads? Don't be nonsensical."

"They's times a feller needs a peculiar hat what ain't sweat-soaked an' cow-stomped."

"Like when?"

"Like dress up, go-to-meetin' kind a' days. Man needs a good hat fer them kind a' days."

"No such a thing."

"'Course not. Where my hat ain't welcome, I'm not a goin'."

"Hats is woman's stuff. For some confounded reason, they appears to need a room full a' them."

"Speakin' a which, Archie, what is it your wife is gone an' done what's so noteworthy?"

"Tha's right. You said your wife done gone an' got thrifty-like. I hardly believes such is possible."

"Fairy tales, is what it is. No wor'mans can do such a thing."

"Say what you pleases. Mine is gone and done it none the same."

"Words is cheap. What's she gone an' done?"

"She gone and bought a hat and...."

"I know'd it. Shore enough. I know'd there'd be a hat in it."

"All womens buys hats. What's so peculiar in that, Archie?"

"She saved me some money, that's what's so peculiarly special about it."

"How can your wife spendin' money on nonsensical things save you money? I'd just like you to explanitory that, if you please."

"She bought herself a hat on sale, that's what she did. Half-off, she done told me. Saved me five dollar, sure as shootin'."

"That's pure tommyrot, Archie. Your wor'man's done pulled the smoke over your eyes."

"How many hat's your wife's got, Archie? Five, ten maybe?

"More, I'd reckon, like a dozen. Maybe two. Maybe three. Never counted 'em myself. Not too sure I could count that high if'n I wanted."

"See? My point exacital. Nonsensical and tommyrot, that's what it is."

"Hold on now, fellas. Maybe it t'aint all what it appears. Archie, how many heads your wife have on her shoulders?"

"Just the one I know of."

"Ok, that done settles it. It's what it appears alright."

"That's a good 'n. You shore done put the kibosh of that reckoning."

"You're wife's done got you snookered, Archie. Kind a' like when my wife does me a wrong, then twists it full around til it 'ppears that I is the misdeeder."

"Your wor'man does that too?"

"Mine too. Jus' part a bein' women folk, I'm supposin'."

Truth, Rare Commodity

*

TRUTH
"Rare commodity"
*

"I'm telling the truth. Honest."

"Watch your language, son. Words like that can come back an' bite ya'."

"What are you talking about? All I said was...."

"We knows what you said. But maybe you ought'a un said it."

"Why? What the matter with saying that I'm telling the truth? It's the truth."

"When you go talkin' the way you do, you makes like an oath, kinda'. An' if we'uns learn that what you say's ain't the God's honest truth, then your word won't be worth a plug nickel no more."

"That's right. Leastwise with us it won't."

"Want's to change your tune, young fella'?"

"Be wise a ya' to do it. Leastwise tone 'em down a smidgen."

"Strong words is hard to swallow back. Best to keep your words soft an' sweet so's they don't gag ya' none."

"I don't know what you guys are talking about. Doesn't any of you say that you're honest, or that you tell the truth?"

"Sure we do. Lots a times."

"Tha's right. An' it's mostly when we's set to tell a whopper. Ain't that so, Tom?"

"Why'd you go and ask me like that? You know I don't lie none."

"See? Right there's a fine example for you already. Tom say's he don't lie. Now that's a whopper."

"If it ain't the truth, it's a lie. An if it's got but a particle a lie in it, it ain't the truth. Do you foll'y me son?"

"I understand that you all think I'm lying, when I'm not. What makes you think I'm lying?"

"No one says you is lyin', son. We jus' don't necessar'y think what you is tellin' is the truth."

"What's the difference? A lie is a lie, and the truth is the truth."

"'Not so. Not always, nohow. I'll draw ya' a fer instance."

"You watch him close, son, 'cause he's a good drawer."

"I ain't goin' to draw that kind a pitchure, Abner. It's a word pitchure I's planning on drawin'."

"Oh. Well, you is good with them pitchers too."

"I thank ya', Abner. Here's the fer instance. Say I was to tell ya' that my wor'man was ta' home cookin' up supper this very minute...."

"His woman's a fine cooker too. If'n he's gettin' set to give you an invite, you best take it...."

"It's just a pitchure I'm drawing. Not no invite."

"Oh. Well go ahead on ahead."

"So, ok, I says she's home. And I know this 'cause ever' night about this time tha's 'xactly what she does."

"She does too, his woman. Ever' night this time."

"Ok. So I says to you, come on with me an' have victuals with the wife and me. She's done got it on the stove cookin' up fer us now."

"See? I done tol' ya' he was fixin' ta' give you an invite. You best take it, son. You won't be sorry'er fer it."

"This ain't no invite, I tol' ya. It's jus' a pit'cher."

"Oh. It's jus' a pitcher, son, like he done told ya'. Don't take it as no invite."

"Oh kay. So you an' me we gets to my place, an' my wor'man ain't there, an' there's nothin' on the table but our ol' cat...."

"That cat a' his is al'as on the table. Ain't he."

"Will you kindly shut up an' let me finish my pitchure?"

"Didn't mean no harm by it. I was jus' sayin'..."

"Ok, so they's no victuals, and they's no wor'man like I say'd they was. So, young fella', was I a' lying?"

"No. Of course not. You honestly believed that she would be there fixing supper. You didn't lie."

"Well then. Was it the truth what I tol' you?"

"Um, well a, I don't suppose you could exactly say it was the truth, exactly."

"Is 'at so? What then, 'xac'ly, would you say it was?"

**

Stories from the Checkerboard

Tumbleweed