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"Who stole my hat! Somebody stole my hat!"
"What're you yappin' about, Clyde?"
"Somebody stole my hat. I had it hangin' over the back a' this here chair, an' somebody up an' stole it."
"Nobody done stole your ol' hat, Clyde. You just forgot to brung it is all."
"No I didn't! You know I don't go nowheres without my hat. Somebody done stole it, I tell you."
"They done no such a thing. Nobody here would steal another man's headwear. You jus' forgot where you put it is all."
"Who'd steal that ol' rag a your'n nowhow? I wouldn't touch it with baling hooks."
"No tellin' what it's got crawlin' 'round in it."
"Chiggers, no doubt."
"An' termites for dang sure."
"Ter-mites?"
"Shore, for that wooden head a his'n"
"Termites. That's a good'un."
"You fellas can yuk it up all you wants. Fact remains, some one a' you done ran off with my hat. Leastwise hid it."
"Watch you're accusin', Clyde. Hard words like those is hard ta' swoller when you got to eat 'em."
"An' you best begin chewin' now, Clyde, 'cause there's your hat right there."
"Where? I don't see no hat a' mine."
"'S'no wonder. You're standin' on it."
"Oh, yeah, so 'tis. Heehee."
"What was those words agiain, Clyde? We done what with what?"
"Aw, fellas, you know I was just clownin' around. That was tantrum talk is all. I didn't mean nothin' by it."
"Well, what got your dander up like that over an ol' hat, nohow, Clyde?"
"Yeah, Clyde, I was thinking the same thing. It seems to me that you were uncommonly hot over a hat. That didn't seem like you."
"That's a fact, Andy. It weren't like me, usual. But this hat thing done give me a flash back to my Army days. Dang thieves!"
"That's one mighty long flash to go back to. You fought hats then, did you?"
"Not far from it. It were a small thing, but to my way a thinkin', it riled me pretty bad. Them hat thieves, they is nothin' worse, I say."
"What did?"
"Stealin' hats. Fellas did it all'a time. One guy would steal someone else's hat when he left the mess hall, then that guy without a hat would steal someone else's to make up for his being gone."
"So, somebody stole your hat, did they?"
"All 'a time. Made me mad. Nothin' lower than a hat thief, I say."
"What'd you do?" go hatless?"
"'Course not. Couldn't do that! You fellas, most a' you, leastwise was in the war. When a soldier fella is outside he got to be covered, or pay the consequences."
"So you...?"
"I took another hat that was hanging there."
"You mean that you sold someone else's hat."
"No. It wasn't like that, Andy. I didn't steal nothin'. The guy that stole my hat was stealin'. Not me. I was just taking a hat so's I could go outside."
"He's right, there Andy. Ever' body done it. It was kinds' like a rule, sorta'."
"It was the rule to steal. Is that what you guys are telling me?"
"You're making it sound different than what it was, Andy. It was just a rule, unwritten kind. You know."
"Yeah, Andy. You were in the Army. Didn't such a thing happen where you was?"
"Sure, all the time."
"So, what'd you do, Mr. Goody Two Shoes, go hatless?"
"I went hatless."
"Aw, com'on now. You weren't that igner'nt."
"Bet you was in trouble a'plenty, Andy."
"I was, a bit, yes."
"Why would you go an' do a thing like that, Andy? Somebody stole your hat, it's only right that you take another hangin' there."
"Shore it is, ain't it."
"So all of you think Clyde is right. If somebody takes your hat, it's ok to take somebody else's hat?"
"That's about it. I'd say so."
"So if someone came in the store here and took Hank's hat, it would be ok for Hank to take Clyde's hat. Is that right?"
"Hold on, now, Andy. That's a different picture you're paintin' now. We ain't in the military now. No rule about going hatless outside now."
"That's right, Andy. 'Sides, I wouldn't want Clyde's ol' hat, nohow."
"If somebody broke into my house and stole my radio, I could break into Tom's place and take his?"
"You got it all wrong, Andy. Where does you get such odd ideas as you do, I can't imagine."
"That's right, Andy. What you're talkin' now they's laws again'. No law 'bout hats in the Army."
"I guess I heard you wrong, Clyde, I thought you were mad at those 'thieves' that took your hat. Yet, as I understand it, when you took someone else's hat, you weren't a thief, and no one should be mad at you. What am I missing?"
"You got it about right. Difference is the accusin' part when you say I was stealin' when I weren't."
"And that's what all of you say then. You all agree with Clyde?"
"That's about it, Andy."
"He got you this time."
"No two ways about it. You're bettin' on a dead horse Andy."
"You stepped in it this time, Andy."
"On the other side a' the hill, you are."
"Well, I guess I'm outnumbered. I give up."
"Good for you, Andy. Takes a big man to know when he's licked."
"An the timings right too, boys. I gotta' dash on home else the wife'll skin me alive."
"Yep, about milkin' time an' ol' Bossie's mighty tempermental."
[scene change; outside the store]
"Andy's been caught a way off base on this one here."
"Right you are. Sharp as a needle, that fella is most times. But when it comes to human natures, he don't know nothin'."
"You reads him rightly. Always wrong, sometimes, when it comes to human natures."
"Like he's never lived a full an' complete life like you an' me has."
"How right, you is."
(end)
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